Entry Wk 13.1 Those Kitshy Gnomes

Stories of the garden gnomes and me:

My unbeknown trip down the rabbit hole of kitsch.

So there I was, sitting at my dining room table in Germany with a group of friends, playing  Dungeons and Dragons  when an idea struck me:

How awesome would a Frankenstein movie mob comprised of gnomes be?

It was worth a few laughs, then filed to the unconscious self. Sometime later, let’s say months later for the sake of plot progression, my beautiful life partner, mother of my children, and wife, Krista, and I were in a local home decorating store when I saw a display of gnome like figurines (I was later told the Germans call them Dwarves, silly Germans), so I bought a few. Then I bought a few more. Then I had somewhere around 20+ gnomes, at least half a dozen owls (the antagonists of the mob, mercenaries, land-pirates, and ninjas), weapons, siege engine, and land-pirate ship. Then I wrote the short story below to chronicle the events that lead to this army of gnomes that I had positioned in the front yard of my base housing unit. In case you’re wondering, there was an armistice between the owls and gnomes for Christmas where Father Gnome visited with gifts for all.

          Rather than simply buying and placing the gnome figurines around my yard, I segregated them into five factions, and then festooned each faction accordingly. The first was the mob of farmers of which I simply used hot glue to position the accompanying farming implements into weapons by securing them at one end of the handle while the functional end sat erect like in the movies.

The second group where the mercenaries of which I taped off and spray painted grey “armor” on them. I then purchased some lego-esque weapons and made a spall catapult and harness for the engine to be transported by war-snails, designed and printed a banner.

Faction three was the pirates which I didn’t alter the figures but I did add axles and buggy wheels to a plastic boat and designed and printed a pirate flag a work (lots of spare time as the night shift supervisor).

Next I created a team of ninjas (not to take sides in the ninja/pirate debate) which I treated the same as the mercenaries, only with black paint. The ninjas were suspended from the overhang of our porch, descending behind the invading owls.

The smallest faction was a sacrificial young gnome that represented the owls eating a gnomish youth, causing the rest of the narrative. The owls weren’t altered, but I did work to arrange them for maximum visibility from my front door.

Oh the Gnome-anity

By

E. James Packer

Picture if you will, the small community of Possum Trot and its plain country folk, peacefully passing thru life.  Until one fateful day when someone, bent on destruction and ending their way of life, came in the night like a phantom and started stealing away their children.  When the humble, some would even say simple, members of the community went to confront their tormentor their efforts to protect their own kind were responded to with increased violence as even more of these monsters came in to prey upon them and those most precious to them. 

          If this was happening to farmers in some far off country the world’s leaders would be up in arms.  If it was a military tyrant with the wrong political alliances it would be called genocide and people from all nations and races would come together as one voice demanding a stop to the violence. There is no outcry, no rallies for help and worse yet, there are organizations that even come to the aid of these vicious killers and plead on their behalf!
          If this was to happen to a human city, town, or village it would be unthinkable but, when it is young gnomes being feed on by carnivorous owls, it is ignored by society.  Billions of dollars have been raised and hundreds of thousands of military troops have been sent to stop genocides in far off locations, but now it is happening in my front yard and there is no out cry, no news coverage!  Where are the relief and aid organizations? Mercenaries are not cheap! 
          It started much as I described above, a small community of gnomes making a life for themselves amongst the foliage in my front yard (I had arranged protection and legal status with the local authorities for them but, this tale of woe is not about me) when a bird of prey caught sight of them and started harassing the small community.  The be grieved community leaders came together and attempted to shoo off the threat with a pitiful show of arms by creating a mob armed with farming implementations.  This proved to be ineffective as more owls came to add to their distress.  In a short time the birds of prey were devouring the gnomish children in plain view of their parents (gnomish children resemble naked mice to those who are curious about the nature of these malicious acts) and leaving there gruesome and gory carcasses strewn about the edges of their community.  Now outraged and failing at their attempts to drive off the butchers, the community leaders turned to the Green Thumb Clan, an infamous band of gnomish mercenaries, best known for their deadly use of their snail driven siege engines; though soldiers of their caliber are not inexpensive, so it is hoped that the conflict will come to a decisive end quickly.  As word of the Gnome’s plight move around other gnomish communities One Eye Red and his lot of land pirates caught wind of it in their sails and set coarse for the distant landlocked location in their trusted land worthy ship, the Rabid Squirrel. At some point the gnome ninja’s appeared, but who knows where ninjas come from? 
          And that is where their tale of horror has left the poor creatures.  Even now, women and children are prisoners of fear in their own burrows while armed mobs take shifts wandering the streets with those brave souls who must venture out to provide for their grief stricken families.  Will aid come soon enough?  What are you willing to do to aid these pitiful souls?  When will the world open their eyes and harts to this horrific situation? 

As I read slogans and headlines to save endangered owls I am filled with seething outrage.  Save the spotted owl.  THE SPOTTED OWL! What of all the nameless gnomes those owls ate into extinction; who cried out to save them?  It was not the trees that gave the retched beasts sustenance; it was the flesh of the little people!      

I implore you, good people, to write to your local governing bodies, to the Forestry Department, and to aid agencies such as the Red Cross, demanding action be taken.  Educate yourselves on the contributions these noble, good natured, resilient people have made to other races.  And find a place in your own hearts and homes to help shelter victims of this needless conflict.  On behalf of the gnomish community of Possum Trot, and others throughout the world, thank you.