Stories of the garden gnomes and me:
My unbeknown trip down the rabbit hole of
kitsch.
So there I was, sitting at my
dining room table in Germany with a group of friends, playing Dungeons and Dragons when an idea struck me:
How awesome would a Frankenstein
movie mob comprised of gnomes be?
It was worth a few laughs, then
filed to the unconscious self. Sometime later, let’s say months later for the
sake of plot progression, my beautiful life partner, mother of my children, and
wife, Krista, and I were in a local home decorating store when I saw a display
of gnome like figurines (I was later told the Germans call them Dwarves, silly
Germans), so I bought a few. Then I bought a few more. Then I had somewhere
around 20+ gnomes, at least half a dozen owls (the antagonists of the mob,
mercenaries, land-pirates, and ninjas), weapons, siege engine, and land-pirate
ship. Then I wrote the short story below to chronicle the events that lead to
this army of gnomes that I had positioned in the front yard of my base housing
unit. In case you’re wondering, there was an armistice between the owls and
gnomes for Christmas where Father Gnome visited with gifts for all.
Rather than simply buying and
placing the gnome figurines around my yard, I segregated them into five
factions, and then festooned each faction accordingly. The first was the mob of
farmers of which I simply used hot glue to position the accompanying farming
implements into weapons by securing them at one end of the handle while the
functional end sat erect like in the movies.
The second group where the
mercenaries of which I taped off and spray painted grey “armor” on them. I then
purchased some lego-esque weapons and made a spall catapult and harness for the
engine to be transported by war-snails, designed and printed a banner.
Faction three was the pirates which
I didn’t alter the figures but I did add axles and buggy wheels to a plastic
boat and designed and printed a pirate flag a work (lots of spare time as the
night shift supervisor).
Next I created a team of ninjas
(not to take sides in the ninja/pirate debate) which I treated the same as the
mercenaries, only with black paint. The ninjas were suspended from the overhang
of our porch, descending behind the invading owls.
The smallest faction was a sacrificial
young gnome that represented the owls eating a gnomish youth, causing the rest
of the narrative. The owls weren’t altered, but I did work to arrange them for
maximum visibility from my front door.
Oh the Gnome-anity
By
E. James Packer
Picture if you will, the small
community of Possum Trot and its plain country folk, peacefully passing thru
life. Until one fateful day when
someone, bent on destruction and ending their way of life, came in the night
like a phantom and started stealing away their children. When the humble, some would even say simple,
members of the community went to confront their tormentor their efforts to
protect their own kind were responded to with increased violence as even more
of these monsters came in to prey upon them and those most precious to
them.
If this was happening to farmers in
some far off country the world’s leaders would be up in arms.
If it was a military tyrant with the wrong
political alliances it would be called genocide and people from all nations and
races would come together as one voice demanding a stop to the violence. There
is no outcry, no rallies for help and worse yet, there are organizations that
even come to the aid of these vicious killers and plead on their behalf!
If this was to happen to a human
city, town, or village it would be unthinkable but, when it is young gnomes
being feed on by carnivorous owls, it is ignored by society.
Billions of dollars have been raised and
hundreds of thousands of military troops have been sent to stop genocides in
far off locations, but now it is happening in my front yard and there is no out
cry, no news coverage!
Where are the
relief and aid organizations? Mercenaries are not cheap!
It started much as I described
above, a small community of gnomes making a life for themselves amongst the
foliage in my front yard (I had arranged protection and legal status with the
local authorities for them but, this tale of woe is not about me) when a bird
of prey caught sight of them and started harassing the small community.
The be grieved community leaders came
together and attempted to shoo off the threat with a pitiful show of arms by
creating a mob armed with farming implementations.
This proved to be ineffective as more owls
came to add to their distress.
In a
short time the birds of prey were devouring the gnomish children in plain view
of their parents (gnomish children resemble naked mice to those who are curious
about the nature of these malicious acts) and leaving there gruesome and gory
carcasses strewn about the edges of their community.
Now outraged and failing at their attempts to
drive off the butchers, the community leaders turned to the Green Thumb Clan, an infamous band of gnomish
mercenaries, best known for their deadly use of their snail driven siege engines;
though soldiers of their caliber are not inexpensive, so it is hoped that the
conflict will come to a decisive end quickly.
As word of the Gnome’s plight move around other gnomish communities One
Eye Red and his lot of land pirates caught wind of it in their sails and set
coarse for the distant landlocked location in their trusted land worthy ship,
the Rabid Squirrel. At some point the gnome ninja’s appeared, but who knows
where ninjas come from?
And that is where their tale of
horror has left the poor creatures.
Even
now, women and children are prisoners of fear in their own burrows while armed
mobs take shifts wandering the streets with those brave souls who must venture
out to provide for their grief stricken families.
Will aid come soon enough?
What are you willing to do to aid these
pitiful souls?
When will the world open
their eyes and harts to this horrific situation?
As I read slogans and headlines to
save endangered owls I am filled with seething outrage. Save the spotted owl. THE SPOTTED OWL! What of all the nameless
gnomes those owls ate into extinction; who cried out to save them? It was not the trees that gave the retched
beasts sustenance; it was the flesh of the little people!
I implore you, good people, to
write to your local governing bodies, to the Forestry Department, and to aid
agencies such as the Red Cross, demanding action be taken. Educate yourselves on the contributions these
noble, good natured, resilient people have made to other races. And find a place in your own hearts and homes
to help shelter victims of this needless conflict. On behalf of the gnomish community of Possum
Trot, and others throughout the world, thank you.